Whenever I've stepped out
to do something, I felt God calling me to do, the voices of criticism and condemnation have been
there to greet me. Everytime I will do the task for the ministry, voices were
loud and cruel, saying- "You'll never be a good staff. You are not wanted.
Look at you. Do you really think God could use someone like you?"
Sometimes I measured myself against other people. "She's so clever. She's so educated. She's so connected. Who am I compared to all that?" Gradually, I shrank back. I pulled away. I put up a front of perfection with carefully crafted words, that i’m polished on the outside, yet completely undone on the inside.
Eventually the Lord called my bluff. Often tears streamed from my eyes while attempting to get through the lessons. But one day it was more than just tears. It was sobs pouring from a chest so heavy with burdens I thought I might literally break apart.
Down on my face, I asked God to speak to me. What I heard in reply was one simple, life-changing question: Will you continue to serve Me? "Yes, I will continue to serve You. The good parts that are safe and tidy and acceptable."
But safe and tidy and acceptable were not what God was looking for. He wanted
the impossible. Absolutely impossible ... in my strength.
God met every one of my arguments with scriptures about relying not on my strength, but on His.
I'd wept over that choice.
I'd repented.
I'd gone to God hundreds of times and asked for forgiveness.
I'd laid it down every time there was an altar call.
In that moment, I finally understood the meaning behind GENESIS 50:20.
Sometimes I measured myself against other people. "She's so clever. She's so educated. She's so connected. Who am I compared to all that?" Gradually, I shrank back. I pulled away. I put up a front of perfection with carefully crafted words, that i’m polished on the outside, yet completely undone on the inside.
Eventually the Lord called my bluff. Often tears streamed from my eyes while attempting to get through the lessons. But one day it was more than just tears. It was sobs pouring from a chest so heavy with burdens I thought I might literally break apart.
Down on my face, I asked God to speak to me. What I heard in reply was one simple, life-changing question: Will you continue to serve Me? "Yes, I will continue to serve You. The good parts that are safe and tidy and acceptable."
But safe and tidy and acceptable were not what God was looking for. He wanted
the impossible. Absolutely impossible ... in my strength.
God met every one of my arguments with scriptures about relying not on my strength, but on His.
I'd wept over that choice.
I'd repented.
I'd gone to God hundreds of times and asked for forgiveness.
I'd laid it down every time there was an altar call.
In that moment, I finally understood the meaning behind GENESIS 50:20.
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