I’M IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND

I’ve been in love with my best friend for almost 3 years now (2011-2014). I want to stop being in love with him; I want to stop thinking that things will change and one day we’ll be together. I know it’s unhealthy to think this way, but I can’t get over him. He means a lot to me and I know I mean a lot to him, but I need to get over him. I feel the best solution for both of us would be to cut him out of my life, but I don’t want to cut him out of my life, he’s my best friend. What can I do? This situation has been causing me great stress and sadness. Depression has always been a struggle for me throughout we became friends in 2011, but I’ve become a lot sadder the past year over this man. I’ve tried dating other guys in hopes of getting over him but I can’t seem to find someone else that compares. I feel really lonely too, all the time.  Sometimes, I want to decide not to see him anymore, but it’s impossible because we’re attending the same Church.

Answer: The question to ask yourself is whether you care enough about your friend to let him go. Where that leaves you is grieving the “what if guy” in your life. It’s a real grief. If things were different, something more than friendship might have developed between you two but you’ll never know. It’s important that you give yourself room to grieve. Then it’s equally important to do whatever you need to do to move on. Dating others won’t work as long as you are still holding out hope for your “what if guy.” Your heart isn’t in it. The guys you date sense that you just aren’t into them.

Find a way to take some distance from your guy friend. Wish him all the best in the world. Then start putting yourself into activities that genuinely interest you where you can start getting to know other guys. Working together is a perfect way to get to know people well without jumping right into dating. You’re not ready for that. But you do need to get busy enough so that you’re not tempted to isolate and get depressed. The antidote to loneliness is to be with other people.

I understand this is terribly hard. I do sympathize. But I also think real friendship sometimes calls for real sacrifice. I hope you will do your grief work and then give yourself the chance to find the guy who is out there waiting for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie