BACK TO VENUS

I met my wife 20 years ago in a revolving door, and today we are still going around in circles.  I must confess that in all the 44 years of my life there is this one species on earth that I don’t understand – women!

I have seen them.

I have met them.

I have touched them.

They have seen me, they have met me, they have touched me, yet I don’t know a thing about them!

My mother was a woman.

My wife is a woman.

My mother-in-law is a woman, I think.

And yet, I do not understand a thing about them.

I don’t understand why they are never reasonable, rational or responsible, and yet they are always right.

I don’t understand why they have such big capacity to forgive and forget only when they are wrong.

I don’t understand why is it that when they say “yes,” it means a “maybe” and when they say “maybe,” it means a “no” and when they actually say “no, no!” it actually means a big “yes!”

For these reasons I have given up arguing with my wife because if I win the argument then oh, help me God! I”ll get into really big trouble!

Another thing I do not understand about women is their age. Why is their age such a big military secret? Not only it is a big secret, but women also forget their math once they hit 30. From there up, they start counting backwards. My wife better start telling the truth about her age or soon her younger son will be older than she is.

Let’s talk about women and their obsession with make-up.

Make-up what? Was something not done or undone?

Why is it that when they powder their noses they really do a whole new paint job on their faces? Why is it that when they go to the parlor for a 15-minute pedicure they come back with a 6-hour facial overhaul?

My wife has this Nordic torture tool that she uses to curl her eyelashes.

The other day she slipped and fell. Nothing happened, she landed on her eyelashes.

Women claim to be smarter than men, and then they go buy their shirts with button running the back?

Women claim to be smarter than men, then how come the smaller and cuter their dresses, the bigger and uglier the price?

Why is it that single women wear such tight fitting clothes that make it difficult for married men to breathe?

And why is it that the closets of married women are always full and yet for an evening out, they never have anything that fits?

On such evenings the only thing that suits and fits my wife’s mood (and fancy) is my badly abused, black leather wallet.

And do you have any idea how much time and money women spend on their bodies?

Haven’t women realized that the whole slimming industry is a big farce? If you don’t believe me, check out Oprah Winfrey, she’s big one day and small the next day.

The other day my wife went to get a face-lift. The face-lift didn’t help much so she also had her body lowered.

You know guys, when we acquire women, just like we do for a car, we must ask for an owner’s manual.

That way we will know the names and functions of every part, every psychosis of a woman.

That way we will know when to send her in for a tune-up or when to send her in for an oil change.

That way we will know the difference between wheel alignment and a misaligned crankshaft of a woman.

Having an owner’s manual will help me understand if my wife is low on battery or plain out of gas.

If we can’t get a proper owner’s manual then the only solution is to send them back to the manufacturer. The only solution is to send them back to Venus!

Yes, gentlemen and the not so gentle men of the Earth! Let’s unite! It’s time to come together and pack these soft, slippery and silly creatures off to where they came from. Let’s ship them back to Venus!

Imagine a world without women!

No more groceries! No more diapers and no more washing your hands before dinner!

We can live in beer bars, play billiards, and watch basketball all the time.

Imagine a world without women!

Our expenses will be down to half.

We will have the bathrooms, bedrooms, and the backyards all to ourselves.

Imagine a world without women!

No more commitments, no more marriage, and no more procreation!

Hey, wait a minute! No more procreation? No more kissing? No more ____!

No more ___?!

Men, I don’t know about you guys, circles or no circles, but I am going right back into that revolving door!

By: Raju Mandhyan